Not Yet...

The time is coming quickly, in fact, at this point, the time is so close that I should say the day is coming soon. It is around the corner and approaching like a freight train.

But it isn’t here.

NOT YET! 

August 13th, that’s the day,. That’s the day we pull out of the driveway and take our oldest daughter to Texas to begin her new life as a college student.

It’s not August 13th.

Not yet. How can it be?

How are we here? I know, these are the same questions every parent asks in this season and in every new season that creeps up and snatches their breath away like a drop off at the end of a roller coaster ride. That pit in your stomach that says, “Oh no, here it comes, here it comes, I see it just around the corner.”

But it’s not here.

Not yet.

The bags are being packed and Bed Bath and Beyond has become a regular hangout, shopping for things that won’t fit in the tiny block of the world that she will call home during this next season. Her bedroom at home is being cleaned out and worked through and soon it will be straight and empty for a few months.

But it’s not empty now. 

Not yet.

The summer has been full of her coming and going, road trips and trips to her new campus. Working and visiting with friends in town. Lots of “lasts”. The last night to star gaze with a friend home from Haiti. The last time to babysit for the family she has been with every single week for over 4 years. The last breakfast with a middle school friend or sleepover with a friend heading off in the opposite direction. She is more out than in for sure.

But she is not really out.

Not yet.

I think of friends, who I have watched go through this season and who have told me over the years about siblings sleeping in empty beds and dinner tables with empty chairs. I think of a friend who sent their child 12 hours away like me and who gave me a little gold necklace in the shape of Texas to wear because she said “ A little piece of your heart will be in Texas so I wanted you to have this to wear close to your heart as a reminder. You will both be OK and this is good.” I think of a friend who brought me a beautiful card with a prayer from Psalm 91 ( one of my favorites by the way) because someone ahead of her gave it to her to pray when her first child left, someone who had already felt the pain of separation and season change. And now, my friend knew to give it to me. Her daughter was finishing her freshman year yet she was still adjusting to the new normal of life. She knew I would be praying a lot!

I don’t have any words of wisdom or comfort for those coming behind me. I will, because my friends have all survived and so will I. But, what I can tell you is that it would be a lie to say this doesn’t hurt. It does! Even among all the absolute excitement that we feel for Ansley, this hurts in your heart and in your stomach.

We will adjust to the new normal. But it’s not time.

Not yet.

I think about my parents in a different light. This is one of those ‘biggies” like having a baby or being married. You can’t possibly relate to the experience until you have lived it and somehow once you have lived it thoughts of your parents begin to surface. You look back with a more mature perspective and realized how much life they really have lived. There is a new found respect and, even compassion, knowing how many “seasons” they have not only survived but have actually lived through with 3 children. How many “let go’s” have happened and how many heartstrings have been tugged and jerked along the way. I can remember standing in the dorm at the University of Alabama hugging my parents goodbye and not exactly knowing what it all meant. What DOES it mean to hug your child goodbye on the steps of a dorm? I mean really, what does that mean? They are an adult by law but they are your child. They have a room in your home but they a room across the country. They are prepared to go but we all know none of us are ever completely ready for the next season. We will learn. We will let it all unfold and learn what this new season means as we go. But, right now, it is just a guess.

We don’t know.

Not Yet.

So many folks have told me over the past year that, “ By the time they leave and you drive out of the driveway you will be ready for them to go.”

I’m waiting. 

Have been.

Waiting for that shift. Waiting for the argument or the attitude or whatever would make a Mama’s heart ready for this day. It hasn’t happened. I’m not ready. I’m not gonna be ready for the hug on the dorm step. This is the truth. I like Ansley! I like her a lot. We all know we love our children, and most love being parents to their children. But this is what I am discovering. This isn’t about being sad because the season of parenting has come to an end. We will still be parents. And, by the way, I love being a parent to Ansley. BUT, I love Ansley more! I love her smile and her kindness. I love her gentleness and joy. I love her depth of friendship and watching those friends grow with her and encourage one another. I love her voice filling the house in song and the way she pours out love over her family. I love her creativity. I love the way she thinks and the way she laughs and the way she celebrates. I love her and I really, really love having her around. Not because I need her to fulfill me or a role I have been given, but because I really, really like her as a person. She will be SO missed!

We are 12 days away from a heck of a road trip and if I’m not ready now I don’t think I’m going to be?! Yes, the day is coming. It is coming like a freight train. The goodbyes are a daily occurrence for Ansley right now. One after the next these baby birds are launching all over the country and the world. It is time to fly. I am so proud of her. I am so excited for her. I am so expectant for her. It will be our joy to watch her continue to grow into an amazing young woman. We will watch from a little further away, (actually a lot further) and we won’t hear her songs or explosions of laughter through the house. But we will cheer her on and send her off with great hope of the future and many prayers covering her.

If you haven’t launched a baby bird out of the nest yet here is what I will say from the seat that I find myself sitting in presently, steward well the moments you have. We have all heard those ahead of us on the journey tell us how fast time flies. It is true. Perhaps the thought of stewardship is not one that comes to mind when you thinking about parenting. The reality is our children are gifts given to us by God. They belong to Him and He has a specific plan for each of their lives. What a gracious God to give us the privilege to be parents! To experience love with such depth! He gives these sweet babies to us to hold tightly at first, to swaddle and carry and then to slowly release. They are not ours to have and to hold. They are given to us to love and to enjoy and to train and then, to release. Steward well the moments you have because one day, before you know it, the moments will be memories and trust me you will be tempted to want those moments back.

There was a painting that was in Ansley’s room as a child and the around the painting was written:

To you I hope to give two things, to give you roots and give you wings.

I do believe that Ansley has deep roots. So many have loved her so well. Now, in a couple of weeks this baby bird will launch. She will leave this nest and she will fly.

The day is coming and so is that hug. 

But, not quite yet...

#Release #College #Parenting #Stewardship